It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
