Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
