Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
