wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
