He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
