made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
