Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
