just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
