It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Randomize
