her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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