Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize