what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want nice things and good sex
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Couch. On fire.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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