You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
