God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.