My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
