Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
