I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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