thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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