My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
