If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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