Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Success! We fucked roommates!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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