Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
