it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
