Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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