Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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