Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
