Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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