Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
