the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
