I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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