I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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