jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We just shotgunned beers for America
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
