8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
