someone get that fucking seahorse.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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