i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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