I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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