I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
