We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
