i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
