I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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