you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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