You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
