my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
