An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Randomize
