so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
