thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I touched a dick in church today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
