My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night