She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We had sex on a dog bed..