And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.