My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
