how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
