There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
