It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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