Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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