Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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