he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
