I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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