i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
