you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
